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Joy Behar heated … Anderson Cooper acting like a real journalist … Joan Rivers bitching. Mr. wOw’s armchair tour of the entertainment world

Caught Joy Behar’s show (on some obscure channel). She was all het up over Tiger Woods. Joy was joyful when speculating that maybe his pumped-up appearance on the cover of Vanity Fair – in four-year-old pics – could mean steroid use. “I’m just putting it out there,” Behar brayed, smiling broadly. She also interviewed Buzz Bissinger, the author of the VF piece. He behaved like a woman scorned; you’d think Tiger had stepped out on him. Commenting on the Annie Liebovitz photos, Buzz said, “I had nothing to do with those. But, you can see he’s a narcissist, clearly in love with his own body.” Buzz was exploding from his suit, flesh straining his collar. Jealous much?

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Caught – could not avoid! – more endless Tiger trashing almost everywhere I surfed.  Mr. wOw wonders: Why hasn’t Charlie Sheen lost his job? Or temporarily retired? Tiger Woods is ruined but Charlie goes on? What – just because all you have to do is look at Charlie Sheen’s dissipated face to know what he is? Charlie is a charming bad boy – drunk on Christmas Day and threatening his equally trashy wife – and Tiger is a monster because he was a secret philanderer? 

Not Fair, says Mr. wOw.

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Caught the endless rerun clips of Mariah Carey accepting an award at the Palm Springs Film Festival. Drunk Diva. Or, as she cheerfully acknowledged when it was shouted at her from the audience: “F**ked up!” Frankly, Mr. wOw wouldn’t mind sloshing back a few with Mimi. She seems quite pleasant under the influence. Giddy and simple. Well, giddier and simpler. 

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Caught Anderson Cooper knitting his brow during a segment on the Christmas Day UnderPants Bomber. Anderson kept asking his panel, “So, nobody’s going to quit? Nobody’s going to be fired? Interesting.” Oh, Anderson, do you really think that’s going to make you a real journalist? Camping it up with Kathy Griffin is so much more your speed. Or giggling over “Real Housewives of Atlanta.”

Later that night, Anderson — trying to banish thoughts of people in the Obama administration who deserved to be fired — interviewed designer Isaac Mizrahi. He didn’t knit his brow.

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Caught Joan Rivers bitching about missing her plane out of Costa Rica. I Was Not Moved To Tears. Anything that makes Joan Rivers irritable is OK with Mr. wOw. And boy, does she have the face she deserves. (Although, perversely, she loves it!)

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Caught and was mesmerized by The History Channel’s repeat of “Secrets of the Forbidden City.” Oh, those poor eunuchs! Ouch!
 
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Caught and was semi-mesmerized by “Locked Up Abroad.” Mr. wOw would like to think he never could have been swept up in something so foolish as smuggling ten pounds of cocaine from a foreign country. Then Mr. wOw perused his past life (a runaway at 15) and his character (a charming idiot). Whew! Dodged that bullet.

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Caught the last half of Marlene Dietrich in “The Scarlet Empress.” She could not act at all, at that point, and Josef von Sternberg’s direction of his actors (furtive glances and awkward movements) didn’t help. But she is dazzling to look at and her bad acting is quite a lot of fun. (Like Marilyn in “River of No Return.”)

The film looks and feels like a drugged-out dream, buried under gauze, smoke, shadows, ridiculously oversized sets, hilariously off-target costumes, glittering beads and some truly delicious kink.

Caught the beginning of “Basic Instinct.” Watched until Sharon Stone’s “big reveal” during her police interrogation. Of course, it is a totally gratuitous moment. Stone was sensational enough in that scene without traveling to the Deep South. But, in some ways, if you want to go all super-feminist, it’s a powerful moment — she’s flaunting herself but not abandoning her command of the situation. “Yeah, so what?” her swift uncrossing of legs seems to say. “You’re not getting any.” Love the simple white dress, the severe chignon; so at odds with her aggressive little peek-a-boo. Gratuitous or not, it’s a legendary movie moment.

Stone used to insist she didn’t know where the camera would be, and was “shocked, shocked” to see her privates on display. She just forgot to wear panties to the set that day. It could happen to anyone. Anyone who makes a movie with Paul Verhoeven.

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Caught an old “Law & Order: SVU” in which Christopher Meloni strips down to his underwear.

At that point, Mr. wOw decided he’d had enough excitement for one night.